Crying in the rain
by MyCephei
Summary: We just keep on holding, letting time go by as the rain gives us shelter when there is nowhere else to go… - a short 1st person fic centered on O'Neill. Post Meridian. D/J friendship, subtle S/J ship


_Whow, I have to admit I am highly nervous now as this is my first fic here. *_* Anyhow. As the story is not long and does not have much of a plot, I guess a long introduction is kind of superfluous. There are a few things I want to mention though so please bear with me for a second. :)_

_These few lines came to my mind while listening to the song "crying in the rain" by a-ha (hence the title ;). Even though the lyrics talk about something different, it still is what inspired me and I guess it could be a nice thing for you to listen to that song as well while reading. :)_  
_Next, as for the story itself: as I already mentioned in the summery this is O'Neill speaking/thinking. I don't know if you'll be content with the thoughts I made him have (or more precisely my choice of words) but I really tried my best to stay somewhat true to the character and yet write down the scene I wanted to take place. I have to admit that, after having re-read it countless times, I am torn between thinking I did okay and thinking I went totally OOC. I do hope though that the latter is a false impression, but just in case it isn't: forgive me for that one._  
_About the setting: this takes place directly after "Meridian" and deals with O'Neill (and also Sam) feeling the pain of losing Daniel. I figured that his death would affect them both a whole lot. The extent, to which I made them feel however, might not conform to the opinion of everyone, but still I hope it's worth reading._  
_Last but not least: English is not my mother tongue. I tried to spell- and grammar check my story thoroughly but please bear with me should there be any mistakes left._

_Okay, think that was all I wanted to say. Feedback is very much appreciated (but please go easy on me should you decide to hate this little piece :-[ ) and anonymous review is enabled._

_Thank you to everyone out there who is gifting us readers with their great stories._  
_Ceph_

_**Summary: **__We just keep on holding, letting time go by as the rain gives us shelter when there is nowhere else to go… - a short first person fic centered on O'Neill. Post Meridian. D/J friendship, subtle S/J ship_

**_Warning: _**_Character death_

**Spoilers for: **Meridian

_**Disclaimer:**_ _I do not own Stargate or any of the mentioned characters. No copyright infringement is intended and I do not earn money by writing this._

_

* * *

_

I pass the guards silently while I draw in a deep breath. The scent of rain lies in the air. I suck it in, nod absent mindedly to the young SFs and then I leave.

Right next to my truck I halt in my steps. I know that I'm alone – know that I'm far away from anyone who could see or hear me and so I allow myself to linger. The key in my hand feels cold against my skin, all the more as a cool autumn wind is blowing. The first drop of water leaves the clouds above me. I can see it darken the dry ground it falls onto. More are to follow it I know, and more do. One drop after the other falls from a black sky, but still I do not move. I can feel them now, too. Their cold touch caresses my skin and just for a moment I feel my hand move to bring the key up to its lock, but long before it could reach its aim, I let it fall again to hang loosely by my side. With every moment that passes by the rain becomes stronger and soon enough I can feel the cool liquid run down my face. But I do not care. I lift my sight and stare into the tunnel that seems to leave the skies only to encircle me and give shelter when there is nowhere else to go. The darkness up there is soothing in a way. At least it's different from the cold white light of the infirmary. It seems to embrace the world around me and for only a second I even feel myself grow distant to what has taken place. For just a moment I forget about the fact that I had to see one of my best friends die.

So many. I had had to see so many go and leave this world behind; did so often have to move on. I have been blessed with friends and a new life when my old one had seemed to have fallen from grace; found peace in times when I thought the world had left me behind. But right now I feel an emptiness spread that I fear could leave us all broken.  
We all had to watch him go – had to _let_ him go - but it was me who had to see the look in his eyes. Despite the chance that lay buried in them, there was something far more evident lying in his depths – something that I know will haunt me for a long time to come. The look of a person who knows they have reached the very end…

Suddenly I feel my legs weaken and instinctively I turn around to lean on my car. I would have never thought it could run so deep. My heart beats fast in my chest as I leave out ragged breaths. I can sense the cool water streaming down my face and feel the cold enter to spread inside of me. Tightly I close my eyes as I feel something arise that I have been able to suppress for so long. I could not take it anymore. Could not stay in there where we had to see him go.  
Angrily I slam my left fist against the lifeless metal I'm still leaning on while a curse leaves my lips to melt into the icy air. It doesn't matter that he wanted us to stop; doesn't matter that he might have entered a new path for in the end he still is gone.  
A familiar warmth adds to the cold sting of rain on my face and involuntarily I notice myself try and hold back what is threatening to break free; but knowing that the only one I share it with is the darkness around me I feel my defenses weakening.

"Sir."

My eyes involuntarily snap open when suddenly her voice reaches me through the heavy rain. For a moment I just stare at her with an empty gaze, wondering for how long she might have stood there when I did not notice her come. Somehow I expect her to say something, but asides of this one word, she stays silent. Her eyes lie on me; they are as dark as the sky above us. I do not move and neither does she. She simply looks at me, holding my gaze and allowing me in to see in hers what I know she will find in my own one as well. And through the rain that falls down on us, I can see the tears which glisten in the corners of her eyes. Briefly my gaze shifts to take her in. Her hair is loosely framing her face, sticking to it as it's heavy with water. Her clothes are soaked, as are mine. I know she must be cold because I am, too. But she doesn't seem to care and neither do I. I can see in her eyes the same hurt that I feel, too; see the same feeling of loss, the same longing for a miracle that could undo it all and let us start anew. But there won't be any. And she knows.

She blinks shortly as the water runs down her cheeks, leaving me wondering whether it's really just the rain anymore. I am almost sure she can tell that the one on my face isn't, but she doesn't let on about it. She just keeps on watching me – her gaze telling me more than any words ever could.

"C'mere". It's just a whisper, barely audible against the wind and the rain, but she gets it. Her skin feels cold against my own; the fabric of her clothes is wet beneath my fingers. I notice her arms lower softly on my back while her chin rests on my shoulder. Her body trembles against my own as I hear silent sobs escape her throat. I tighten the hold I have on her; want to make the pain go away. But I know it won't. Not today and most likely not for a long time. I have been through this too often already, and yet this time it feels different.  
Carefully I bend my head while I lift my left hand to let it rest in the crook of her neck. The pain she's going through seems to emanate and mix with my very own. I draw her closer and - concentrating on the faint scent that reaches me even through the haze of rain and that undoubtedly is hers - I speak to her what I know is a lie.

"We'll be okay".

But she knows better than this. Stiffening for a moment, she shakes her head slightly before she answers with a broken voice.

"I don't think so, Sir".

We both know she is right. We can feel it deep inside. The gap that losing someone who was close to you leaves behind. The cut that runs deeper than any physical one ever could.  
She is right.  
Feeling my own throat getting tighter again, I merely close my eyes and exhale sharply. There's nothing more any of us could say. Nothing that could make it any easier. And so we stand in silence. The rain falls heavily from the sky and demands the last remnants of warmth we have. But for once we do not care. We just keep on holding, letting time go by as the rain gives us shelter when there is nowhere else to go…


End file.
